Worth writing

Assalamualaikum.

I am now incharge for the new unit. Novel unit to be exact. So, today. I met one of the writers that I am working with. We've been contacting each other through sms(s) and call(s) (he did not have whatsapp so I dont really know how he looks like) but I have never really meet him in person. So today is the day. 

He is. Handsome. Not that-adam-levine-handsome but he is somehow goodlooking. His clothes are neat and tidy. Not to mention, he is very polite. The type of man that any girl would fall in love with. 

Because he came all the way from Penang to Kuala Lumpur to sign some shitty form, I think it is not appropriate to just send him home in empty-stomach. So we went out for coffee. Something interesting happened there. 

He told me about his fiancee (my heart broke into pieces. Come on man, you could've been mine hahahaha I kid I kid) He told me that they've been together since both of them were 13. And the interesting part for me was when he started describing his fiancee

'Dia bukan jenis moden pakai jeans pakai  selendang macam Aina. Dia gadis kampung yang betul-betul kampung. Dia pakai tudung selempang tepi, dan selalu pakai satu kerongsang bunga.'  

'Dia pun tak suka minum coffee macam ni Aina, kalau keluaq makan pun dia suka pi tempat yang boleh makan sampai kenyang. Macam nasi kandaq'

I mean come on, comel gila kot! Dia sedar tunang dia suka pakai apa dan all the small things. Ish

He laughed and then he continued saying this 

'Comel betul dia tu. Kecil molek je orangnya. Soulmate saya' 

There.

Ada lagi rupanya lelaki macam ni. God! 

He is very polite. We chatted around and then I send him to the station. 

Wow. I must say, I am really impressed by his well-being, by his manners and of course by his love that he have for his late-dad, late-brother ,his family and his fiancee. 

He is something that we could not really find nowadays. The perfect end for my 2015. 

I think. He is something that worth writing for. 

Erti 7Disember tahun ini.

Assalamualaikum. 

Hari ini aku belajar dan sedar faham satu perkara. You dont need to tell them how important you are. Kalau mereka sedar, appreciate them. Tapi kalau tidak, tak apa. Mungkin masa kau dah tak bernyawa nanti baru mereka akan cerita pasal kau. (Waktu itu pun kau tak akan peduli sebab kau lagi sibuk mengenang nasib kau bila disoal munkar nankir nanti) 

Kesimpulannya. Be happy. Do what makes you happy. Appreciate life and your loved ones. Walk away from people who hurt you, or even people who puts too much negative vibes in your life. You dont need that. 

Happy 26th birthday Aliaa Aaina. Terima kasih yang Maha Esa untuk pinjaman nyawa. Dan segala nikmat kurnia yang tidak terucap dengan kata kata. Alhamdulillah syukur Ya Allah. 

Midnight ramblings

Assalamualaikum.

I tried to sleep but I couldnt. Hence, this post. 

There's a burden inside my chest. It fills all of the area and I can't really breathe. Instead of hugging my pillow like what I used to do, I hug my blanket. Really tight. But the pain is still there. And it wanders through my veins and ended up in my brain. So its kinda stuck there replaying all the scenes. Scary scenes that my brain created just to ruin my life. 

They said people who sleeps with many pillows have problems with their self esteem. I have err 4 pillows and two teddy bears in my bed. So...

Yeah. 

Penamat

Assalamualaikum. 

Dua tahun bukan tempoh yang sekejap. Sedangkan kau jumpa orang dua minggu pun, bila berpisah kau akan rindu. Ini pulak dua tahun. Mula-mula rasa jelak jugak bila orang asyik pertikaikan kerja aku di meja aku. Kata kata macam, eh senang je kan duduk meja ni dan sepuluh juta bahan jenaka pasal benda yang sama. Memang buat aku muak. Tapi. Jujur kata. Meja ini yang ajar aku cara menulis. Cara mendekat. Cara menjauh. Cara goreng. Cara temubual orang. Dan macam macam lagi. Dan semua tu berakhir hari ini. 

Aku takkan lupa pengalaman pergi assignments naik motor. sesat larat menempuh jalan kl yang memang sangay asing bagi aku. Bila terlampau jauh, naik tren sebab masa tu baru kerja tak mampu nak pakai kereta. Pengalaman menangis sebab tak reti buat artikel. Kena edit lapan juta kali masih tak diterima. Pengalaman jumpa macam macam jenis orang. Daripada yang baik sampailah ke penipu besar. Pengalaman jumpa artis lama. Ya Allah. Sayangnya aku dekat majalah ni. Mastika is my comfort zone, and now maybe its time for me to walk out from it. 

Terima kasih Mastika untuk dua tahun yang macam macam ragam ini. Seriously, aku pasti aku akan rindu. 

Dan selamat datang tugas baru. Semoga aku mampu buat yang terbaik. 

Doakan aku!

Mhm

Tengah fikir nak private blog ini. Supaya dia jadi tempat aku rant sorang sorang. Tapi nanti cerpen nak pos kat mana? Adohai. 

Kryptonite

Assalamualaikum. 

Ada benda yang kadang kadang. Lagi elok pendam daripada luah. Kadanglah. Sebab kata kata ni boleh jadi lagi tajam daripada pisau sembelih lembu. Tajam yang tusuk jauh ke jurang paling dalam ceruk hati seseorang. Luka dalam ni bukan boleh nampak pun dah sembuh ke belum. Selalunya kulit luaran sahaja nampak macam tak ada apa. Tapi nun jauh di sana tu koyak rabak serupa kain buruk. 

Tapi tu kadanglah. Kadang tu cakap salah. Tak cakap pun salah. Tak luah makan diri. Luah karang entah apa pulak jadi. 

Entah. Cerita dekat Tuhan sajalah. DIA dengar dan sudah pasti 200% DIA peduli. Kan?  

Aku serius dah tak ada masa. Eh bukan. Tak ada daya nak layan benda remeh macam ni lagi. 

I know where I stand. Korang rilek jelah situ. K rilek je. 

ehems

Assalamualaikum.

Hai lama tak jumpa. sihat tak semuanya. *sapu sampah, lap sawang, bakar blog* K yang bakar blog tu tipu je.

I met an old friend few days before. lamalah tak jumpanya. almost 3, 4 years macam tu? we shared some stories, well actually he did. and I am amazed at how easy he can pour all the words to me. As if he has this one fine trust wall for me. I mean macam mana dia boleh yakin I wouldnt blog about it? hahaha I wont. dont worry.

And I tried to do the same, tapi rasa macam cerita tu tak berapa sampai pada dia. lololol. still bad at telling people my problems I guess. But not much things changed since last I saw him.

I am glad we can still talk about many things, from the stupid one sampailah yang paling serius sampai on my way back home, I cant help but think "OMG tuanya aku sekarang, cant believe we talked about that. 3 years back aku tak tahu pun apa semua tu. god god god. Tuanya aku" insecure women detected. hahaha

yes. I had fun. dont know about him but I did.

oh haah, hari ini birthday adik bongsu. dan esok puasa.

Salam Ramadhan. kenmain simple update kali ni.

Masa

'Hey you got some time?' Elly menekan laju kekunci keypad telefon bimbitnya. 

'Tettt...tettt..' Kedengaran beberapa kali bunyi daripada peranti pintar itu menandakan ada mesej yang diterima 

'Sorry beb, i tgh busy sikit ni, nanti free i text u'  tasha, kawan 'baik' daripada universiti. 

'Weyyy awat, aku dalam wayang ni sorry' mia, kawan sepermainan. 

'Aku nak kena present report esok ni weh, nantilah bila free aku call kau' zaim, kawan yang dianggap sebagai rakan lelaki paling rapat. 

Dan beberapa lagi jenis mesej yang lebih kurang sama bunyinya. Elly terbaring merenung siling. Telefon di tangan dilepaskan buar jatuh ke lantai

* * * * *  *

'Aku tak sangka dia ada masalah besar, sebab dia tak pernah cakap apa-apa pun'-tasha. 

'Teringat dulu dia tolong aku masa aku down kow2 hampir kena buang universiti'- mia

'Apa silap sampai dia sanggup cabut nyawa sendiri. Kalau ada masalah kan masih boleh cerita dengan aku' - zaim. 

Dan begitulah becok mulut bercerita tentang betapa mereka 'mampu' tolong kalau si Elly membuka mulut. 

Cehh. Dunia. 

Coffee

Assalamualaikum.

I have a very serious relationship with coffee. And i dont think its healthy anymore. When i am alone, all that i can think inside my brain is a hot cup of coffee. I need those booze. And i am alone all the time. Which mean i need coffee 24/7. Coffee works like drugs on me, it makes me forget what im dealing with for a while. It gives me some space to think.coffee made me feel loved somehow.

Whenever i looked at my phone and bump into something sad, i need my coffee again just to make my day feel better which obviously is not good. 

Being addicted is not good. Unless you have tons of money which i obviously dont. 

I dont really feel anything. Not sure if its a good sign. 

Big hole inside my heart. Lolz

isnin

Assalamualaikum.



Nanti, suatu masa nanti mesti akan datang. apa yang kau tengah struggle cuba sesungguhnya untuk cari. sementara itu, senyumlah.

ingat yang indah sahaja. selamat hari isnin. :)

tralala

Assalamualaikum.




semoga cepat siap kerja dan boleh pergi kelantan dengan tenang.


p/s baju bridesmaid dah siap. *senyum*

yang

Assalamualaikum. 

bestfriend is getting married. can you hear that? the sound of my heart breaking into pieces *cries a river, no. an ocean*  okay chill. not that I dont want her to get married, but I mean, come onnnn who else are going to entertain me and took me shopping and buys me lunch and give me expensive birthday presents (That I forced her to buy but hey its my birthday dont judge!) 

I know for fact that things will never be the same again. after this she will have to put her husband first before me (grrrrrrrrrrr) and whatnot. But I also know how much have she gone through since they've been together. being the stupid girl who refuse to cry, I know how much pain she bears alone. cant believe I have this stupid girl with me for over than 7 years now. *sigh*. handling her over to you now Mamu. 

so Yang, hi hello. this is awkwarddddd but you know, I will always be the romantic one. yeah, you are SO LUCKY! trust me. 

Dear Yang,

After going through storms and tsunamis and few little happy things (me), finally! its your turn to be happy! Alhamdullillah, I hope all of the hardships that you've been through makes you stronger now. You know you will always have me here, watching over you.  I pray for you everyday, and I pray that we will still exist in each other's life no matter what happen. I hope you will still be the annoying, super duper slow, and blurr as you always were. I want nothing but to see you be happy with the person you love. 

May you both lived happily ever after.InshaAllah

end of sweet letter. now, how do you make fresh flower hand bouquet again? you know, my stupid bestfriend is getting married and she decided she wanted a fresh flower hand bouquet. can anyone tell me why do I stay friend with a nonsense like her? Must've lost my mind somewhere. *double sigh*

Happy.

Assalamualaikum.

Theres a lot of happy things happen to people that are close to me. rainbows and butterflies. flowers blooming, sun shines brightly. I am happy for them. I seriously do.


one question I often ask myself.

When can I be happy for myself. sincerely. without having to pretend.



still, happy for you guys. Alhamdulillah.

Pain.

'For all the things that you're alive to feel, just let the pain remind your hearts can heal' 

*sigh*

Ansari and zahra

Assalamualaikum. I have wrote about her before. my kakak from virtual world. yeps. might sound pelik to you but yes. we have never really lepak in real life. we always chatted through social media ; facebook, twideer (oh those times) and now Instagram. 

And I have promised to come and meet her baby since past ten thousand years. tapi ada je benda nye yang buat tak jadi. so yesterday, she texted me and in the evening. wallahhh, she's in front of my office.

you dont have any idea how unreal I feel. Its like, mehh, I dont even remember her voice. (kecik je rupanya suara omeyy angat). anddd Zahra is like my bff because we just click. you would have been jealous, seriously. 

I am so happy because at laaaaast we finally met. harapnya lepas ni selalu lah kita lepak sesama lagi. I need to teach Zahra how to annoyed you. cool aunty is cool.

okay, izinkan saya mereput di tepi meja kerana dateline. sempat je kau update blog. boss ingat kita gigih ketuk story. kahkahkah *lap peluh*

this post deserves a picture. my picture. separuh sebab nampak kurus sikit. hiks 

senang

Assalamualaikum.

Untuk memudahkan urusan harian dan urusan hati aku. aku rasa yang paling mudah dan berkesan ialah. go with the flow. haritu aku ada masalah dengan seseorang ini yang buat aku rasa 'mehhh, I dont even want to talk to you ever again'. tapi sekarang macam dah okay. hati aku tak sakit bila pandang muka dia. so, I guess thats a good start. One thing that I learned over time is, holding grudges ain't going to take you nowhere. kau hidup kau bernafas sambil sedut segala perasaan sakit hati kau. sampai bila soalnya?

Kan? Aku rasa mudah lagi kalau kau jadi orang yang meminta maaf. No matter how stupid it might sound to you, I did that. and I felt the burden fell off my shoulder.

And yes, aku sedang bergelut dengan masalah hati jugak sekarang ni, kesian aku. dah tua-tua selayaknya dah ada anak tiga baru nak merasa perasaan bangang ni. kahkah. itu pun satu hal, aku go with the flow jela. doa. doa dan terus doa. kalau belum masa, kau buatlah macam mana pun. tak kemana. betul tak? DIA sebaik-baik perancang. Hey, have faith Aina. InshaAllah :)

everything

Assalamualaikum.

everything is scattered all over the place. I dont know how exactly should I react towards it. I dont know if I should be happy or sad, I dont know if I am blessed or cursed, to have too much feelings on everything.

for the very first time in my life, I hope. I really pray things would turn out well. and if it dont, I hope HE will give me the strength to face it with a smile.

gahhhh, writing skills so rusty. *hembus habuk*

Too much

'Too much love could kills you'

Assalamualaikum. Guess it is true. Too much love could kills you. I envy those people who could talk about whats bothering them, whats making them sad. Because I cant.  Not that I dont want to or I dont have anyone I could turn to. But I just cant. I dont know how.

I guess this is just another test for me. *inhales deep breath* 

I pray. I really pray for things to get better.  HE listens. ALLAH listens. InshaAllah. 

Too much love and too much pain. 

patung.

"Assalamualaikummmmm.." Assalamualaikummmmmmm.."

kedengaran bunyi kanak-kanak di luar memberi salam. Aziza membetulkan rambutnya di cermin. fringe dihadapan sengaja dijatuhkan. dia mengoles bibir dengan lipstick merah burgundy. "always my favourite" bisiknya perlahan.

"Waalaikumussalam. Ya, adik cari siapa?"

"cari kakaklah. hihi.." kata kanak-kanak itu sambil tersenyum mempamerkan giginya yang hitam dimakan ulat.

"nahh.."  kanak-kanak itu menghulurkan satu plastik beg. didalamnya ada anak patung. perempuan. nampak baru tapi sudah kotor. mungkin kerana terjatuh.

"mmmmaana..mana kau dapat benda ni!" Aziza tiba-tiba berang. anak patung itu dibuang ke tanah. bahu kanak-kanak itu digenggam kemas. Aziza tak mampu menyorokkan rasa takutnya.

"hihihi..alaa, kan ni kakak punya, kita pulangkan aje.. takkan kakak tak mahu. hihihi.." kanak-kanak itu sambung ketawa tanpa ada rasa takut. seolah-olah tiada apa yang akan berlaku pada dirinya.

*****

"I minta maaf you! I betul-betul minta maaf. I tak mampu nak tipu you ataupun diri I sendiri lagi. maafkan I"  Azmi bersuara kesal.

"NO! we were perfect together! No! I taknak putus dengan you! No! Never!" 

"I tak mampu..." belum sempat Azmi menghabiskan kata-kata. sebatang garfu sudah tercacak di mata kanannya. darah membuak-buak keluar. belum cukup dengan itu. Aziza bagaikan dirasuk syaitan. dia mengambil pula pisau yang berada tidak jauh darinya. 

Dada Azmi ditikam berkali-kali. sehingga basah bajunya dek percikan darah Azmi. bau darah yang segar menusuk ruang pernafasannya. 

"you..I.. arghhh.. suprise.. youuu.." Azmi menghulurkan anak patung itu. ditangannya ada cincin. cincin yang sepatutnya menjadi tanda cinta mereka berdua. 

Aziza terduduk di sisi Azmi. tangannya menggeletar. 

****

Aziza tersedar daripada lamunan. kanak-kanak itu ditolak kasar. aziza berlari masuk ke dalam apartmentnya.

"macam mana dia boleh ada patung tu! aku dah tanam! aku dah tanam dengan Azmi!" Aziza mula histeria.

"kakak.. kakak.. bukakla pintu. hihihi..." 

"pergi! pergi! aku tak sengaja! pergi!!"

"one two..Im coming for you..." kanak-kanak itu menyanyi.

"diamm!! pergiii!! diammm!!" Aziza sudah tak keruan. 

"Three four, better lock the door..hihihi" bunyi ketawanya masih kedengaran.

"Five six, better be safe.."

"seven eight, not gonna make you wait.."

"nine.. ten...."

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHH" bangunan apartment 5 tingkat itu dicemari dengan jeritan Aziza. 

"hmm.. nine, ten.. this is the end..." kanak-kanak itu menjinjit patung yang berdarah di tangan kanannya. 

"hmm.. who's next?" 

*nama watak sekadar rekaan.

takut

Pernah tak kau rasa takut nak ada rasa. Takut semacam ada orang bakal ragut rasa kau dan koyakkan sebelum biar dia dihembus taufan dibawa terbang entah ke mana.

Jadi akhirnya. Kau simpan semua rasa dalam hati kau supaya tak ada yang bakal ambil dia daripada kau.

Aku. Selalu rasa takut macam tu.

*sigh*

Loser.