why

Assalamualaikum.


I don't talk much about some thing sometimes because it bug me too much to even think about it let alone to talk about it to others. So please, let me be. Just freaking let me be!



Dekya is coming back from PLKN tomorrow. yes. the gang is back in the house *sips coffee like a gangster*

cerita rindu

Assalamualaikum.

Bukan senang nak curah rasa sedih. Rasa rindu.

Semalam setelah entah berapa-puluh-bulan tak jejak ke Perak, aku datang sekali lagi. Masuk ke kawasan rumah arwah Atuk & Opah disambut dengan lalang yang tinggi sudah sama macam budak umur 7 tahun. Setakat nak rakam video klip lagu, tak payah pergi jauh. Boleh sangat dah kat situ.

Arwah Opah dulunya suka bunga. Habislah segala pasu ditanam dengan macam-macam jenis bunga. Lepas dah berjaya meredah semak, masuk kawasan rumah nampak bunga dalam pasu mekar indah. walaupun tak ada lagi Opah yang selalu siram, letak baja, cakap dengan bunga. Maybe it was me who overreact over things. But I nearly cried. 

 

this is where she would sits when we come back to kampung. She tell stories and stuff

 Masa dulu, aku tak faham sangat Opah cakap apa as she speaks very thick Perak accents. Jadinya kalau dulu dia nak borak tu aku tak layan sangat. I was a kid. really. I dont remember much stuff about her. tapi aku tahu dia masak kari ikan sangat sedap. Im a bit choosy when it comes to food especially if it involved fish dish. But I ate her kari ikan. sedap.

She died when I was 17. 4 hari lagi nak raya. I sat with my late atok, pegang tangan dia, menempek dekat bahu dia. I knew he missed her. I knew he was sad.

Atok boleh cakap KL. I mean his dialects not that pekat. So I often speaks to him. listened to him. Gosh, I missed him.

Dan pada masa tu, dia tengah pegang seplastik beg yang penuh dengan batu putih. yang biasanya orang letak di kubur. Dia ambil seketul-seketul batu tu, sambil mulut dia terkumat kamit. 

I asked him. "Atok buat apa tuuu.." sambil menempek sebelah dia.

" Atok nak baca fatihah dengan 3 Qul dekat batu ni. nanti boleh letak kat kubur Opah."

well, aku taktahu lah apa signifikan dia buat macam tu.atau apa kebaikkannya daripada sudut Islam. dia tetap gigih bacakan ayat-ayat suci pada batu itu. setiap ketul dalam plastik tu. tak ada yang tertinggal. HE LOVED HER VERY MUCH. this is the real romeo and juliet. this is it. 

dan empat tahun selepas Opah pergi. Atok susun langkah ikut sekali. dua minggu sebelum atok pergi, I met him and he said. "Atok ni dah nak mati."  That was the last word he ever spoke to me. 

I cant help it but cry when we visited his grave. Rasa macam baru semalam Ena hantar atok ke sini. rasa macam baru semalam Ena menangis sebab orang surau mula-mula taknak buka keranda bagi Ena cium atok. sebab Ena tak sempat jumpa atok. Ena rush daripada UPM ke Perak.

Rasa macam baru semalam Ena cium atok untuk kali yang paling akhir.

Rasa macam baru semalam Ena redah kawasan perkuburan dalam gelap malam dan hujan renyai untuk hantar atok ke tempat persemadian terakhir. 

God knows how much Ive missed you guys. So very much. If only you could hear me. Al-fatihah. 

 

 

 

bebelan panjang sebelum dateline.

Assalamualaikum.

I hate to think that I've been used by the people who I thought were my friends. I always console myself and tell my heart. No. They are not using you. You cared. You want to help. So stop whining. Stop being a bitch. But I cant help myself to notice how stupid I am to be used each and everytime they had problem. And nobody really cares when I was the one who is in need of help. (except of some. very very few)

And yes. how things have changed towards time. Who would have known that you'll eventually talk to someone you once hate. and vice versa. but now things are more clear than it used to be. I know where I stand. and God I wouldnt want to hold any grudges towards anyone anymore.

I saw a men trying so hard to prove to all that he had moved on. but the look at his face denies everything. No. You dont look happy. You dont seem happy. You are lying to yourself. I know. but you knew better.

Its crazy all the things we did just to convince other people how happy we were. If its true then no one need any explanation. Who are you trying to impress?

Anyhoots, Allah knows better. HE knew whats best for each one of us. and everything that happen must have a reason behind it. I wish the very best to you. I really do.

Last but not least. Helluuwww dateline. crazayhhh week I tell you. *nangis depan pc*

writers.

Assalamualaikum.

My most favourite quote so far. I need to find this lady's book. I really really reaaaallly want it. But for now, lets just settle down with 6 novels that I just bought. Not to mention other books on the shelf that look at me and scream 'REAADDDD MEE' everytime I entered my room. Just to make me feel bad ey? Nice try books. Nice try. Its hard to juggle with books and assignments when you're working as a writer you know. (alasan)  If only I have one whole year to just sit back, relax and read those novels. (alasan lagi) wuuu syoknya hidup reti bagi alasan je. hmmph!

Read horror stories before bedtime yesterday and I had a series of nighmare about ghost. Writers are fulls of imaginations. and craps. I end up waking up feeling so very tired. cehh.  

the least favourite daughter

Assalamualaikum.


Growing up as the first daughter, I always need to be 'the one'. I dont know how thing works in other families, but in mine, I need to be the one who never cried over small things ( I did anyway). The one who needs to be clever all the time (which I don't). The one who held responsible of whatever my younger siblings did. The one to be the 'role model' to the younger.The one who needs to cleans up the mess in the house. the one who need to fold all the clothes and put them on the owners cupboard. The one who ironed all baju kurung/tudung/baju Melayu when it comes to Raya. the one who washed the dishes. the one who need to be less selfish and put the family first before herself.The one. And mind you I am not the first child in the family. its just that my big brother screwed up so much that I have to be the black sheep. to cover all of his shits. Its like I am an experimental material. They be like 'oh things din work out like this with the big brother so we need to pushed this girl to the limit she wont even feel like human ever again.'

Still. I am the least favourite daughter who never once make him proud. Never.