udara

Do you ever felt the same like I did just now? I had a nap filled with dreams. crappy dreams and I dont even feel like sleeping. I still feel tired when I woke up. and waking up alone in the room. suddenly I felt the urge to cry. but I didn't. because I don't know if I should. I wish I have the ability to erase certain things outta my mind so that I could have some space to put new problems in it. No one would ever understand my situation.  I know that there are loads of people having to face deeper shit than mine. but maybe its just me. Im not suppose to tell.I will never tell. I let the skeleton buried deep down in my closet. hoping that nobody would ever found out. ever.

girlfriends :)

"korang jangan buat ina gelak banyak sangat. nanti sakit nak menanggung rindu" kata Ina, salah seorang sahabat daripada diploma membawak ke degree ni. 

Spent some time with the girls last weekend. yesterday actually. we used to be so childish. AND WE STILL DO! haha

this one is at hadi's wedding. (patutnya letak gambar pengantin, tak ke?)

dan betul kata ina. nanti pasti sakit menanggung rindu. belum apa-apa dada dah rasa berat, rasa sesak. 

I miss you guys already 

Something wrong somewhere

I am so tired today. but then again, Im tired everyday. mentally exhausted to be exact. so who still gives a fuck about me please raise your middle finger. okay I see none. anyways, 

I am so lost now, and I don't think I know myself anymore. its like Im having some sort of split personalities problems. at times, I am so freaking happy. just because a stranger gave me a smile and two second after that. I would cry seeing lost kitten crossing the road. did I give you clear example? if not, remind yourself that I don't care.

and who am I actually? no certain answer for sure. I've been through worse.maybe because I've been happy for too long that I forget how sucks it is to feel sad. 

I hate to show people the other side of me. I have so many sides. So many hidden sides. Now you know why I'm a little big than other girls? yes you're right. that is just lame excuses. who cares anyway

I am already on the ground, and I thought if I ever slipped down again, it wouldnt hurt this much. but It still fucking do. I think its because I'm fat. and here I go again talking about me being fat. 

my brain is not functioning so well these few days. I wonder why. 

jadi

jadi kecamuk itu rasa dia lebih teruk daripada kusut ya?  entahlah aku rasa serba tak kena. ke kiri salah, ke kanan salah, di atas salah, di bawah salah. tak sedap semuanya. ya aku kunyah dan telan. aku hirup dan telan. aku kenyang dalam lapar. aku penuh tapi kosong. entah mana salahnya.

jadi dunia itu indah tapi derita ya? entah aku rasa kecewa. aku gembira dalam sedih, aku puas tapi hampa, aku senyum dalam tangis. jadi apa sebenarnya yang sedang aku rasa?

jadi kau sama pernah rasa tak berguna? kau nak bantu. tapi kau tak tahu.
jadi kau buat tak mengerti, walhal waktu itu kau sendiri separuh mati.

jadi bila setiap kali kau pejam mata. kau cuba lihat sejauh mungkin. mana tahu ada sedikit cahaya. buat suluhan hati yang makin gelita. tapi kau hampa. kerana kau belum berjumpa.

jadi, seramai mana pun mereka. yang katanya. akan bersama.
kau akhirnya sendiri juga.

jangan kau punah.
sekarang bukan waktunya
belum masanya
jadi

aku pohon kau tetap teguh berdiri. biarpun nanti, kau cuma ada sebelah kaki.




ucapan selamat hari lahir untuk ayahanda tercinta. Semoga diberi kesembuhan dan sentiasa berada dalam lindungan dan lingkungan rahmatNya. Amin. Insya-Allah

3 days break.

cats, foods, books and yeah. lotsa sleep. 

sick

letak tepat di tengah kepala.

sick of this world.

tarik picunya.

lega?

nuff nufff

enough of the crappy stories. woah sila menguap bersama diriku. I am at the stake of killing myself for being an asshole who wanted to sleep all day. yeah. jadi kerja part time itu sudah pon berakhir semalam. I am so gonna miss tasya, kak dayah and roni si gila pervert nak mampus.

so today I am at work. faking sebenarnya aku kena taip laju2 ni kejap lagi kul 2 deme block balik blogspot. hah itu jelah nak kabo. I am so freaking useless and fat. but fat is not useless. only me. urghhhh menda ayat camni. okaylah saya mengantuk. bye.

Lisa

Raut wajah yang tenang umpama tidak punya apa yang bermain dalam kepalanya. Tidak, raut wajah yang bersahaja yang menyimpan entah berapa juta rahsia dunia.

“Life is too short to be unhappy.  I smiled because I’ve known sadness for a long time.”

Pemilik mata hazel itu berkata-kata. Ya masih senyum. Masih manis. Masih buat aku tertanya-tanya. 

“sounds so cliche right. Well, life’s tough.. Comparing to.. What? Haha..”

Ketawa. Suara serak itu. Mata berkaca itu. Menangiskah kau wahai gadis?

“Smiling on the outside, dying alone in the inside” kataku sinis.  Sengaja mahu lihat jawapan apa yang boleh dia balas.

“ At least I still have the strength to smile.”

“The sooner you realize that things would never be the same again, the easier it will worked out for you”

“I used to hide, but I am tired of doing that. Don’t you?”

“Nobody can make you happy, unless you yourself choose to be happy.  I believe in faith. I think your religion teaches you to have faith too. Right? There’s always be sunshine. Why filled up your heart with hatred and sadness? It will get you nowhere.” 

Panjang celotehnya. Setiap kata yang keluar, umpama memang ditujukan tepat padaku. Apa kau ahli sihir yang mampu membaca raut muka?  Dia Kadang terbatuk kecil. Dia menekup mulut. Perit benar gayanya. 

‘Are you okay?”  muka pucat lesi itu kelihatan letih. Ada titis peluh kecil di dahi. Sakitkah kamu wahai si manis?

“never better” masih senyum.

“hey..” suara manis itu menegur.

“yes ?”

“everyone ends up being alone.”  Dia menghembus nafas berat. Kemudian senyum lagi.

“I wish I could see life from your beautiful eyes “ aku maksudkan setiap kata aku. kau buat aku tersenyum

“ Well unfortunately I could not see. Not in the past 10 years. I'm visually impaired. I lost my vision in a car crash 10 years ago. ”

“because of that, I started to listen. You should try that too”  dia senyum

“listen..’ bisikku perlahan. 

“I am Zul, what’s your name sweetheart?” lupa pula aku hendak tanyakan namanya.

“I am Lisa.. Lisa who listens”

Aku tinggalkan si gadis.  Dia masih merenung ke luar. Menghirup kopi panas, senyumannya mengiringi langkahku pergi.