Friday, December 28, 2012

welcome

This is the last Friday on 2012. So I have approximately 3 weeks before I end this internship. lets just talk about what UKSB has taught me.

 I know places to eat here. cheap and delicious slurps slurps. Not so many, but I know some place where good eadible food with affordable price.

I  have good relationship with some of my officemates whom many thinks she/he is not so baik. orang buat baik dengan kita, kita baik lah semula. kan? I just kind of ignored what other said and it turned out to be, they are nice. maybe not to them. but to me and cikkay. we're fine. We just go with the flow.

 I never thought I'd be this close or I'd fit in the office just fine. yeah, there are SOME of them who dislikes us. but who the fuck cares.



And I am leaving this place soon. very soon.







Wednesday, December 26, 2012

mat oh mat

I am still in the office. No, I am not staying back to do work. eventhough I have tons. I have tons of things I would like to share but the thoughts kinda stuck di tengah jalan. And here I am waiting for officemate to finish her prayer before we eat dinner andddd I just receive one shawl from kak mas. gahahahahaha happy kejap. k kejap je.

and btw matlutfi dah ada belog. hopefully dia akan update lapan hingga sepuluh entri sehari. chek him out  here   

tadi aku cek baru ada 2, 3 , ketoi entry, Funny though he writes in english and some in bahasa, I still read it according to his ascent. hahahah k lapaq gila dah bye.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

alphabets

gfatdrsftzgyhaolKJHGFRWTYUIkzhjvqz z  ZUQZYUTQFZQZHK QZJQVBZUQFZT7N QJZ YGQZQ ZJHQZGZQZJQZ QJZV7ZHNQk QUGFQSUQOPSMQ Z UQZFQIZJLQ ZJQTO2DILXJ Z

thats how I feel. annoyed. bye

Friday, December 21, 2012

Jumaat

little things that makes me happy.

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*  Its Fridayyyyyy


I will fill the blanks later. have to get ready for work. later alligator

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

noiittee

Today I had a really huge migraine attack. and Nadia came and lepak-lepak at my room for almost an hour. she just left 10 minutes ago. emm so, goodnight then.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

selasa

Tuesday 18th December 2012 and I haven't finish a single shit assignments for Mastika February issue. Lantak sana. I don't know why but it seems like my brain is refusing to think about things. about sentences actually. I found myself staring at those articles that I tried to finished since last week but nothing came out from this brain.

Oh ya, and I've been vomiting since I-don't-know-when. yeah, I don't remember what I really wanted to say. so emm yeah, have a great day. 

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Sunday

Its sunday and I am sitting on my mom's bed eating a full box of almond nuts chocolate. Its a bliss really. I am okay now and I would like to stay like this forever. I dont know what went wrong, that I cracked so easily like I did past few weeks/months.

sometimes I think I am a bit crazy too. I talked to myself. a lot. considering here and there. whether I should tell or not. and lots of thoughts. I sleep too much and I still felt tired. maybe because I wasn't really sleeping.

but its better to tell myself the problems. than telling people who don't really gives a flying fuck right? we bear a lots of problems on our own. why should we bother about others. thats what i've been telling myself.

Its Sunday and I feel like sleeping all day.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

ALONG

masa dulu aku dan along adalah dua makhluk yang selalu buat mama dan babah biol. biasalah dengan kedegilan tahap jin afrit. sorang bagi cadangan, dua-dua melaksanakan. pendek kata kami memang sangat bersatu daripada segala aspek.

beza umur 5tahun tak menjadi masalah untuk kami kamceng. jadi sampai sekarang aku tak paham konsep adik beradik tak ngam ni. 

tapi along ni boleh tahan celaka. dia suka memanipulasikan aku yang waktu itu kecil dan naif, untuk mendapatkan apa yang dia hajati. contohnya, ada satu masa tu dia guna duit saku aku untuk beli mercun, dia racun aku kow-kow suruh beli mercun tu. dah macam direct selling dah. tapi pengakhirannya dia je yang main sorang, aku hanya mampu tengok duit aku hangus terbakar berderai menjadi debu-debu cinta. k over.

dan setelah aku dapat adik lagi 2 orang tu, along terus menjadi hero di hati ku, (puih geli pulok rase)
sebab dia sentiasa melindungi aku yang cengeng tak boleh kena usik ni. budak-budak satu taman dengan aku mana berani cari hal. mau kau kena silambam dengan along. 

teringat satu kes dia belasah budak yang menyebabkan kaki aku luka kena api. sebab budak tu sepak bara api kena kaki aku. babi betei budak tu nasib baik aku tak ingat muka dia tapi parut tu masih ada dekat jari kaki aku. 

dan along jugak yang menjebakkan aku kedalam kancah-kancah ponteng puasa, biasa masa tu kecik rasa mcm kool gila tak puasa biarpun hanya minum air je sebagai juadah buka. 

aku jugak selalu siapkan kerja sekolah along. dia lah idola aku dalam bab-bab menyiapkan kerja sekolah setahun sekali. sebab dia aku pun terikut perangai tu masa sekolah menengah, membawak lah bila masuk universiti, last minute is awesome people (walhal aku serabut fyp taktahu menda ni haytwhqkhaka)

dan sebagai abang, aku salute jugak along setia melayan kerenah aku yang tidak ber boyfren ini. tengok wayang, jalan-jalan window shopping, beli handphone, cari baju annual dinner, beli gajet laptop, membawaklah ke membeli pakaian dalam, dia setia je teman aku. 

dan suatu ketika dulu dikala aku baru berjinak-jinak dengan eyeliner dan maskara, mata along dah jadi papan conteng untuk aku test power setelah mata sendiri pedih asyik padam eyeliner. dia redha. 

bagi mereka yang memang kenal aku. well aku memang suka menyanyi biarpun suara aku tak sedap, along pulak hebak main gitar, jadi aku selalu suruh dia main lagu yang aku suka sambil aku menyanyi fenfeeling retis.

dan sebagai anak yang tak pernah hidup jauh di perantauan. sewaktu dapat tawaran ke terengganu untuk buat TESL, hati aku memang tak tenang. well, biasa kalau jatuh ada orang sambut, ini kalau jatuh tersembam sorang. memang noharom sangat peasaan waktu itu. dan masa nak naik bas aku salam along, pergh nangis macam nak pegi perth ostrolia, walhal terengganu je pong.

dan waktu mula-mula artikel aku keluar dalam majalah mastika. dia sangat excited. he insisted on having that one copy of mastika that i brought home. muka dia sangat ikhlas masa dia kata " bangga aku kau tulis ni ngah!"

aku tak pernah mengaku, tapi aku terharu bila dengar ayat tu.

tipulah kata tak pernah gaduh kan. nama lagi adik beradik. bila gaduh memang hardcore sikit, baling semua yang dalam capaian tangan, mulut memaki hamun habis satu zoo punya haiwan disebut. tapi, air dicincang takkan putus bro. marah macam mana pun memang tak boleh lama punya. dah daripada kecik membawak ke besar pandang muka dia. 

i talked about him so little nowadays, sampai ada yang taktahu aku ada abang,

jadi kisahnya, hari ini ulangtahun kelahiran abang aku yang ke 28. tadi masa aku wish dia, dia balas, "sorry ngah tak wish birthday kau haritu, happy belated birthday"

tiba-tiba mata aku panas dan aku laju menaip entri ini.

aku tau along tak baca pun blog ni, dia taktahu pun blog ni wujud, tapi bro, aku doakan kesejahteraan kau setiap hari, apa yang jadi dalam keluarga kita, hanya kita yang tahu. selamat ulangtahun yang ke 28 along. semoga sentiasa berada dalam lingkungan rahmatNYA. aku nak taip i love you tapi geli pulak. eh dah tertaip. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALONG!




Tuesday, December 11, 2012

feels

Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone
Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through

Are you reaching out for me, like I'm reaching out for you?

I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump,
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick the mic back up
I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel distant again

So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet, I know some shit's so hard to swallow
And I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow
But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me

I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful, oh
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh, they can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
'cause if I do that then it opens a door for conversation
Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like
"Ah, Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn"
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down?
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
Who sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in
At every single place

Every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

Aunt Edna always told me keep makin' that face it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standin' there
Holdin' my tongue tryna talk like this
'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryna impress my friends no mo'
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you wear? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet


Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone...
So are you calling me, are you trying to get through, oh?
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you?
So oh oh

Yea... To my babies. Stay strong.
Daddy will be home soon
And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes
That fit you, so put 'em on and wear 'em
And be yourself, man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny,
Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful - eminem, beautiful


much of them explains what I feel. well, If its true I have that crazy disease, please do not forget the Happy side of me. even if I wont be that happy and sincere anymore.  I hope when you people think of me (if you do), you'll find something worth smiling and worth remembering. 
forever me,
Aina. 


Sunday, December 9, 2012

happy



It is brave when you try to be happy. 

the question is. 

Would I be brave enough to even try?



yours truly,

23 years, 2 days old me. 

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Monday, December 3, 2012

random



A good friend of mine once asked me “ Ena, kereta apa awak suka ey? Yang awak nak beli?” We were in the car at that time. I don’t know what make her ask the question. I bet that is just some random q’s popped-out from her mouth.During that time my mind goes blank.  I don’t even know the answer which I know not even important to be answered that time.And my two other friends started to name their favourite car yadayadayada.Only today I realize the reason why I couldn’t answer that simple question. It is because,I never dream of having a car. A house. A family. Everything.I don’t remember when was the last time I ever dream of having anything.My mind taught me not to. I looked at things and start remembering myself. YOU NEVER GONNA GET THOSE. The entire negative thought. And there I go feeling useless. Again.
My emotions are at stake now. I even googled  on ‘How NOT to cry” .

December has never been a pleasant month for me. Not that I remembered.





I'd love to. trust me.