trouble

So I am in the mood of writing. and I feel like talking about my 'changes'. so far so good. nothing really bothers me but yeah, I do have some difficulties in coping with the environment. What would they say if I do this? What would they think if I do that? that kind of questions keeps running through my head.

questions like "eh kenapa aina pakai stokin?" eventhough I wasn't wearing sneakers, only sandals but with socks on. so how would I answer to this kind of question?

A: hey! kaki kan aurat *pang lempang nam kali belagak nak mampuih*

B: sajaaaaa (sambil sengih lepastu bukak topik lain)

C: hehe (lagi cam apa je kalau respon camni)

I don't want to sound takbur or belagak in some ways.


Im cleanin out my closet. ewah eminem kejap. I have give away kinda lots of baju-baju sendats. or pendek or jarang or yang berkaitan dengannya kepada adik-adik perempuanku. Luckily they also wanted to wear something loose, ya so having a big sister (big in size and age) is can I say advantage(s)? for them. But at the same time, giving away your clothes have the same meaning as buying new one. yalah, if not what you want to wear to class huh? huh? I wanted to wear all the kurungs I have je kalau ikutkan. but then, kitew naik moto pakai baju kuwung terselaks2 and sangat tak selesa. so lupakan dahulu! Skinny jeans pun duduk terperuk je dalam almari. I cannot give it to my sisters kerana perbezaan ukur lilit pinggang yang amat ketara -.-'

mulut. okay part ini masih susah untuk dijaga. not going to comment more on that *lempang muka*

but so far so good. my close friends (even the one without hijab) is accepting my changes. alhamdulillah. I really hope this will last until my last breath. Insha-Allah

omboi panjangnya kaki aku dalam gambar tu. (walhal kaki memang saiz 10 pon) hiks

stress

faking! gua stress tahap nak menangis air mata tak mahu keluar! faking!


omboi stail sangat update satu line- satu line. biasa. perasan retis.

panas

rasa nak muntah membuak-buak. perut lapar tapi kepala sakit. celaru sampai badan pun tak tahu apa yang dia mahu. ya. minggu depan aku nak balik rumah jugak. sick of this place. minggu exam. get ready untuk membebankan diri sampai menangis. k

jumaat

I don't know if I have hurt anyone with my attitude lately. but I am indeed being hurt by them. I really wish I could describe my feeling. HE knows how lonely and unwanted I felt, so HE gave me my friends, to keep my company. remembering all the things brought me to tears. I blame you hormone! babah call me last night saying that he wanted to buy us a pair of kurung from vietnam. that makes me feel so much better. having him calling,I know that there is still someone who care. I laugh out loud in front of my friends, i shed away all the tears. I went for a walk at the park, window shopping with the girls at the mall so that all these feelings would eventually go away. I know I wont be mad for long. I am always like that. but I am sure I will remember this for the rest of my life. For the very first time. I am deeply cut and hurt. by my own flesh and blood. sentap lelebih. abah lebihkan kau. kau bukan peduli. sukehati kaulah. whenever I think of it. I still cry.

if only they sell meds that can make you erase certain memories.

hari ini

hari ini hujan turun dengan lebat. sama mengalir dengan air mata aku. presentation macam lahanat, bbb notification tak masuk. perut lapar, roomates tak balik-balik sampai sekarang. hari ini memang suwey.

esok

first presentation tomorrow, I really hope I can nail it! sekarang belum rasa nervous hanya rasa bangang tak tahu nak tambah apa dalam slides.Hujung minggu harap dapat diabadikan untuk FYP. time to get really serious. dah lambat sangat dah ni. 

YA Tuhan, tolong permudahkan urusan hati dan akal ini biar selari. 

bulan ditutup awan

sekarang tengah hujan. tepi pun hujan. okay lawak hambar. thing is, its March already.  selepas mlantak satu peket kerepek ubi dan sebiji epal, aku masih lagi lapar. dasar perut tebal.
thinking about future scares the hell out of me. last weekend I went to 'finishing school' one of the softskill program provided by the UPM. they just know how to make our life miserable
And dalam tu adalah mock interview. konon2nya I am applying for the post of journalist! homboi konon! and after the interview the madam told me that I'd be a great journalist. thing is, I dont think I will.
lepas ni kerja, nak bagi duit kat mak apak, nak bayar ptptn, 30k. kahwin lagi bagus kan? tapi siapa suruh tak bijak. jadi rasakan kau bayar hutang sedemikan banyaknya.
I feel like giving myself a one week MC. and I don't think that would be enough. blerghhhh

rimas duduk dalam bilik yang gelap. nak buka lampu roomate tengah tidur, nak selak langsir kilat sabung-menyabung dekat luar. not a productive day.

rindu

1 March 2013. dia pergi. well, kalau ikutkan aku dengan arwah bonzer tak adalah rapat mana. tapi hati aku sedih bila terkenangkan dia. kami keluarga mahameru. teringat lagi jatuh bangun kena boikot sama-sama. buka puasa mahameru. setiap latihan yang memang sangat seronok. budak2 lelaki mahameru yang bingai tahap nak baling selipar. tak tepati masa langsung, pervert dan macam-macam lagi. itu yang lagi buat kami rapat dan ngam macam family.  sangat sedih. aku tak tunjuk. tapi bila terkenang, tuhan saja tahu sedihnya hati aku. aku tak layak pun nak rasa sedih sampai macam ni. kalau aku begini, keluarga dia macam mana pula kan? tapi aku tetap rasa sedih dan ada satu ruang kosong dalam hati aku. aku rasa nak bagitahu semua yang rapat dengan aku. aku sayang kau orang. pada yang jauh aku rindu. sekurang-kurangnya rindukan yang masih hidup. kau boleh lagi dengar suaranya. dia masih boleh respon pada setiap pertanyaan kita. tapi bila dah jauh. jauh yang makin jauh ini. hanya doa boleh aku kirimkan. semoga urusan dia mudah dan tenang di sana. Al-fatihah untuk bonzer

Aku masih tak boleh nak buka dan tengok semua gambar mahameru yang dahulu tanpa menangis.

rajawali terbang tinggi

"Rajawali terbang tinggi. dan rajawali terbang tinggi..'

macam baru semalam dengar bait alunan lirik lagu ini keluar daripada mulut dia. kenangan jadi back-up singer dan kena marah dengan dia. sebab main-main masa latihan. pura-pura garang tapi hati baik dan muka comel macam teddy bear. entah kenapa orang boleh panggil dia bonzer. mungkin kerana fizikal yang agak besar.

baru nak lelapkan mata dapat satu mesej daripada rakan. yang memberitahu pemergian dia menghadap yang Esa. Hafiz Iskandar atau lebih mesra dengan panggilan Bonzer telah pergi meninggalkan kami buat selamanya. aku difahamkan kerana sakit jantung.

Bonzer, lelaki baik yang lebih disayangi Maha Esa.

bonzer betul-betul sudah terbang tinggi. tak tergapai tangan kami. Al-fatihah. 

You will always be missed. always.

of books

right now I am eating big apple donuts on my bed and I thought about me promising myself that I would go on diet. screw that I am still going to finish these donuts.

went to aftrermath sale at big bad wolf and bought 4 novels for me and 6 for dekya. nevermind, she's just so excited to have her own books. later that day went to upm and meet David over there. dekya is going head over heels when she saw David. Ya lah, that man badan ketak-ketak already. with that macho face. no wonder dekya became so shy when we were there. haha  and yeah , I bought 3 Malay novel from lejen press too. oh David made me come to UPM and force me to buy him ABC on the way there. boleh macam tu?

anyhow, seeing those books I am indeed pleased. tapi entah bila baru boleh habis baca. be patient books. Im busy right now. we'll be together soon. very soon.