welcome

This is the last Friday on 2012. So I have approximately 3 weeks before I end this internship. lets just talk about what UKSB has taught me.

 I know places to eat here. cheap and delicious slurps slurps. Not so many, but I know some place where good eadible food with affordable price.

I  have good relationship with some of my officemates whom many thinks she/he is not so baik. orang buat baik dengan kita, kita baik lah semula. kan? I just kind of ignored what other said and it turned out to be, they are nice. maybe not to them. but to me and cikkay. we're fine. We just go with the flow.

 I never thought I'd be this close or I'd fit in the office just fine. yeah, there are SOME of them who dislikes us. but who the fuck cares.



And I am leaving this place soon. very soon.

mat oh mat

I am still in the office. No, I am not staying back to do work. eventhough I have tons. I have tons of things I would like to share but the thoughts kinda stuck di tengah jalan. And here I am waiting for officemate to finish her prayer before we eat dinner andddd I just receive one shawl from kak mas. gahahahahaha happy kejap. k kejap je.

and btw matlutfi dah ada belog. hopefully dia akan update lapan hingga sepuluh entri sehari. chek him out  here   

tadi aku cek baru ada 2, 3 , ketoi entry, Funny though he writes in english and some in bahasa, I still read it according to his ascent. hahahah k lapaq gila dah bye.

alphabets

gfatdrsftzgyhaolKJHGFRWTYUIkzhjvqz z  ZUQZYUTQFZQZHK QZJQVBZUQFZT7N QJZ YGQZQ ZJHQZGZQZJQZ QJZV7ZHNQk QUGFQSUQOPSMQ Z UQZFQIZJLQ ZJQTO2DILXJ Z

thats how I feel. annoyed. bye

Jumaat

little things that makes me happy.

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*  Its Fridayyyyyy

I will fill the blanks later. have to get ready for work. later alligator

noiittee

Today I had a really huge migraine attack. and Nadia came and lepak-lepak at my room for almost an hour. she just left 10 minutes ago. emm so, goodnight then.

selasa

Tuesday 18th December 2012 and I haven't finish a single shit assignments for Mastika February issue. Lantak sana. I don't know why but it seems like my brain is refusing to think about things. about sentences actually. I found myself staring at those articles that I tried to finished since last week but nothing came out from this brain.

Oh ya, and I've been vomiting since I-don't-know-when. yeah, I don't remember what I really wanted to say. so emm yeah, have a great day. 

Sunday

Its sunday and I am sitting on my mom's bed eating a full box of almond nuts chocolate. Its a bliss really. I am okay now and I would like to stay like this forever. I dont know what went wrong, that I cracked so easily like I did past few weeks/months.

sometimes I think I am a bit crazy too. I talked to myself. a lot. considering here and there. whether I should tell or not. and lots of thoughts. I sleep too much and I still felt tired. maybe because I wasn't really sleeping.

but its better to tell myself the problems. than telling people who don't really gives a flying fuck right? we bear a lots of problems on our own. why should we bother about others. thats what i've been telling myself.

Its Sunday and I feel like sleeping all day.

ALONG

masa dulu aku dan along adalah dua makhluk yang selalu buat mama dan babah biol. biasalah dengan kedegilan tahap jin afrit. sorang bagi cadangan, dua-dua melaksanakan. pendek kata kami memang sangat bersatu daripada segala aspek.

beza umur 5tahun tak menjadi masalah untuk kami kamceng. jadi sampai sekarang aku tak paham konsep adik beradik tak ngam ni. 

tapi along ni boleh tahan celaka. dia suka memanipulasikan aku yang waktu itu kecil dan naif, untuk mendapatkan apa yang dia hajati. contohnya, ada satu masa tu dia guna duit saku aku untuk beli mercun, dia racun aku kow-kow suruh beli mercun tu. dah macam direct selling dah. tapi pengakhirannya dia je yang main sorang, aku hanya mampu tengok duit aku hangus terbakar berderai menjadi debu-debu cinta. k over.

dan setelah aku dapat adik lagi 2 orang tu, along terus menjadi hero di hati ku, (puih geli pulok rase)

sebab dia sentiasa melindungi aku yang cengeng tak boleh kena usik ni. budak-budak satu taman dengan aku mana berani cari hal. mau kau kena silambam dengan along. 

teringat satu kes dia belasah budak yang menyebabkan kaki aku luka kena api. sebab budak tu sepak bara api kena kaki aku. babi betei budak tu nasib baik aku tak ingat muka dia tapi parut tu masih ada dekat jari kaki aku. 

dan along jugak yang menjebakkan aku kedalam kancah-kancah ponteng puasa, biasa masa tu kecik rasa mcm kool gila tak puasa biarpun hanya minum air je sebagai juadah buka. 

aku jugak selalu siapkan kerja sekolah along. dia lah idola aku dalam bab-bab menyiapkan kerja sekolah setahun sekali. sebab dia aku pun terikut perangai tu masa sekolah menengah, membawak lah bila masuk universiti, last minute is awesome people (walhal aku serabut fyp taktahu menda ni haytwhqkhaka)

dan sebagai abang, aku salute jugak along setia melayan kerenah aku yang tidak ber boyfren ini. tengok wayang, jalan-jalan window shopping, beli handphone, cari baju annual dinner, beli gajet laptop, membawaklah ke membeli pakaian dalam, dia setia je teman aku. 

dan suatu ketika dulu dikala aku baru berjinak-jinak dengan eyeliner dan maskara, mata along dah jadi papan conteng untuk aku test power setelah mata sendiri pedih asyik padam eyeliner. dia redha. 

bagi mereka yang memang kenal aku. well aku memang suka menyanyi biarpun suara aku tak sedap, along pulak hebak main gitar, jadi aku selalu suruh dia main lagu yang aku suka sambil aku menyanyi fenfeeling retis.

dan sebagai anak yang tak pernah hidup jauh di perantauan. sewaktu dapat tawaran ke terengganu untuk buat TESL, hati aku memang tak tenang. well, biasa kalau jatuh ada orang sambut, ini kalau jatuh tersembam sorang. memang noharom sangat peasaan waktu itu. dan masa nak naik bas aku salam along, pergh nangis macam nak pegi perth ostrolia, walhal terengganu je pong.

dan waktu mula-mula artikel aku keluar dalam majalah mastika. dia sangat excited. he insisted on having that one copy of mastika that i brought home. muka dia sangat ikhlas masa dia kata " bangga aku kau tulis ni ngah!"

aku tak pernah mengaku, tapi aku terharu bila dengar ayat tu.

tipulah kata tak pernah gaduh kan. nama lagi adik beradik. bila gaduh memang hardcore sikit, baling semua yang dalam capaian tangan, mulut memaki hamun habis satu zoo punya haiwan disebut. tapi, air dicincang takkan putus bro. marah macam mana pun memang tak boleh lama punya. dah daripada kecik membawak ke besar pandang muka dia. 

i talked about him so little nowadays, sampai ada yang taktahu aku ada abang,

jadi kisahnya, hari ini ulangtahun kelahiran abang aku yang ke 28. tadi masa aku wish dia, dia balas, "sorry ngah tak wish birthday kau haritu, happy belated birthday"

tiba-tiba mata aku panas dan aku laju menaip entri ini.

aku tau along tak baca pun blog ni, dia taktahu pun blog ni wujud, tapi bro, aku doakan kesejahteraan kau setiap hari, apa yang jadi dalam keluarga kita, hanya kita yang tahu. selamat ulangtahun yang ke 28 along. semoga sentiasa berada dalam lingkungan rahmatNYA. aku nak taip i love you tapi geli pulak. eh dah tertaip. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALONG!

feels

Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone
Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, like I'm reaching out for you?

I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump,
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick the mic back up
I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet, I know some shit's so hard to swallow
And I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow
But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful, oh
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh, they can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
'cause if I do that then it opens a door for conversation
Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like
"Ah, Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn"
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down?
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
Who sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in
At every single place
Every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

Aunt Edna always told me keep makin' that face it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standin' there
Holdin' my tongue tryna talk like this
'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryna impress my friends no mo'
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you wear? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet


Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone...
So are you calling me, are you trying to get through, oh?
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you?
So oh oh

Yea... To my babies. Stay strong.
Daddy will be home soon
And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes
That fit you, so put 'em on and wear 'em
And be yourself, man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny,
Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful - eminem, beautiful

much of them explains what I feel. well, If its true I have that crazy disease, please do not forget the Happy side of me. even if I wont be that happy and sincere anymore.  I hope when you people think of me (if you do), you'll find something worth smiling and worth remembering. 
forever me,
Aina. 

happy

It is brave when you try to be happy. 

the question is. 

Would I be brave enough to even try?

yours truly,

23 years, 2 days old me. 

cerita

ceritanya.

aku benci semua orang hari ini.

random

A good friend of mine once asked me “ Ena, kereta apa awak suka ey? Yang awak nak beli?” We were in the car at that time. I don’t know what make her ask the question. I bet that is just some random q’s popped-out from her mouth.During that time my mind goes blank.  I don’t even know the answer which I know not even important to be answered that time.And my two other friends started to name their favourite car yadayadayada.Only today I realize the reason why I couldn’t answer that simple question. It is because,I never dream of having a car. A house. A family. Everything.I don’t remember when was the last time I ever dream of having anything.My mind taught me not to. I looked at things and start remembering myself. YOU NEVER GONNA GET THOSE. The entire negative thought. And there I go feeling useless. Again.

My emotions are at stake now. I even googled  on ‘How NOT to cry” .

December has never been a pleasant month for me. Not that I remembered.

 

I'd love to. trust me.

udara

Do you ever felt the same like I did just now? I had a nap filled with dreams. crappy dreams and I dont even feel like sleeping. I still feel tired when I woke up. and waking up alone in the room. suddenly I felt the urge to cry. but I didn't. because I don't know if I should. I wish I have the ability to erase certain things outta my mind so that I could have some space to put new problems in it. No one would ever understand my situation.  I know that there are loads of people having to face deeper shit than mine. but maybe its just me. Im not suppose to tell.I will never tell. I let the skeleton buried deep down in my closet. hoping that nobody would ever found out. ever.

girlfriends :)

"korang jangan buat ina gelak banyak sangat. nanti sakit nak menanggung rindu" kata Ina, salah seorang sahabat daripada diploma membawak ke degree ni. 

Spent some time with the girls last weekend. yesterday actually. we used to be so childish. AND WE STILL DO! haha

this one is at hadi's wedding. (patutnya letak gambar pengantin, tak ke?)

dan betul kata ina. nanti pasti sakit menanggung rindu. belum apa-apa dada dah rasa berat, rasa sesak. 

I miss you guys already 

Something wrong somewhere

I am so tired today. but then again, Im tired everyday. mentally exhausted to be exact. so who still gives a fuck about me please raise your middle finger. okay I see none. anyways, 

I am so lost now, and I don't think I know myself anymore. its like Im having some sort of split personalities problems. at times, I am so freaking happy. just because a stranger gave me a smile and two second after that. I would cry seeing lost kitten crossing the road. did I give you clear example? if not, remind yourself that I don't care.

and who am I actually? no certain answer for sure. I've been through worse.maybe because I've been happy for too long that I forget how sucks it is to feel sad. 

I hate to show people the other side of me. I have so many sides. So many hidden sides. Now you know why I'm a little big than other girls? yes you're right. that is just lame excuses. who cares anyway

I am already on the ground, and I thought if I ever slipped down again, it wouldnt hurt this much. but It still fucking do. I think its because I'm fat. and here I go again talking about me being fat. 

my brain is not functioning so well these few days. I wonder why. 

jadi

jadi kecamuk itu rasa dia lebih teruk daripada kusut ya?  entahlah aku rasa serba tak kena. ke kiri salah, ke kanan salah, di atas salah, di bawah salah. tak sedap semuanya. ya aku kunyah dan telan. aku hirup dan telan. aku kenyang dalam lapar. aku penuh tapi kosong. entah mana salahnya.

jadi dunia itu indah tapi derita ya? entah aku rasa kecewa. aku gembira dalam sedih, aku puas tapi hampa, aku senyum dalam tangis. jadi apa sebenarnya yang sedang aku rasa?

jadi kau sama pernah rasa tak berguna? kau nak bantu. tapi kau tak tahu.
jadi kau buat tak mengerti, walhal waktu itu kau sendiri separuh mati.

jadi bila setiap kali kau pejam mata. kau cuba lihat sejauh mungkin. mana tahu ada sedikit cahaya. buat suluhan hati yang makin gelita. tapi kau hampa. kerana kau belum berjumpa.

jadi, seramai mana pun mereka. yang katanya. akan bersama.
kau akhirnya sendiri juga.

jangan kau punah.
sekarang bukan waktunya
belum masanya
jadi

aku pohon kau tetap teguh berdiri. biarpun nanti, kau cuma ada sebelah kaki.




ucapan selamat hari lahir untuk ayahanda tercinta. Semoga diberi kesembuhan dan sentiasa berada dalam lindungan dan lingkungan rahmatNya. Amin. Insya-Allah

3 days break.

cats, foods, books and yeah. lotsa sleep. 

sick

letak tepat di tengah kepala.

sick of this world.

tarik picunya.

lega?

nuff nufff

enough of the crappy stories. woah sila menguap bersama diriku. I am at the stake of killing myself for being an asshole who wanted to sleep all day. yeah. jadi kerja part time itu sudah pon berakhir semalam. I am so gonna miss tasya, kak dayah and roni si gila pervert nak mampus.

so today I am at work. faking sebenarnya aku kena taip laju2 ni kejap lagi kul 2 deme block balik blogspot. hah itu jelah nak kabo. I am so freaking useless and fat. but fat is not useless. only me. urghhhh menda ayat camni. okaylah saya mengantuk. bye.

Lisa

Raut wajah yang tenang umpama tidak punya apa yang bermain dalam kepalanya. Tidak, raut wajah yang bersahaja yang menyimpan entah berapa juta rahsia dunia.

“Life is too short to be unhappy.  I smiled because I’ve known sadness for a long time.”

Pemilik mata hazel itu berkata-kata. Ya masih senyum. Masih manis. Masih buat aku tertanya-tanya. 

“sounds so cliche right. Well, life’s tough.. Comparing to.. What? Haha..”

Ketawa. Suara serak itu. Mata berkaca itu. Menangiskah kau wahai gadis?

“Smiling on the outside, dying alone in the inside” kataku sinis.  Sengaja mahu lihat jawapan apa yang boleh dia balas.

“ At least I still have the strength to smile.”

“The sooner you realize that things would never be the same again, the easier it will worked out for you”

“I used to hide, but I am tired of doing that. Don’t you?”

“Nobody can make you happy, unless you yourself choose to be happy.  I believe in faith. I think your religion teaches you to have faith too. Right? There’s always be sunshine. Why filled up your heart with hatred and sadness? It will get you nowhere.” 

Panjang celotehnya. Setiap kata yang keluar, umpama memang ditujukan tepat padaku. Apa kau ahli sihir yang mampu membaca raut muka?  Dia Kadang terbatuk kecil. Dia menekup mulut. Perit benar gayanya. 

‘Are you okay?”  muka pucat lesi itu kelihatan letih. Ada titis peluh kecil di dahi. Sakitkah kamu wahai si manis?

“never better” masih senyum.

“hey..” suara manis itu menegur.

“yes ?”

“everyone ends up being alone.”  Dia menghembus nafas berat. Kemudian senyum lagi.

“I wish I could see life from your beautiful eyes “ aku maksudkan setiap kata aku. kau buat aku tersenyum

“ Well unfortunately I could not see. Not in the past 10 years. I'm visually impaired. I lost my vision in a car crash 10 years ago. ”

“because of that, I started to listen. You should try that too”  dia senyum

“listen..’ bisikku perlahan. 

“I am Zul, what’s your name sweetheart?” lupa pula aku hendak tanyakan namanya.

“I am Lisa.. Lisa who listens”

Aku tinggalkan si gadis.  Dia masih merenung ke luar. Menghirup kopi panas, senyumannya mengiringi langkahku pergi.