wipe dust

I am getting married.


soon.


oh.my.god

My wan

Assalamualaikum. 

This day, a year ago, I know a guy from a media trip I attended. He was shy, and I was not. He was all cool and Im that clumsy loud girl (i think im so annoying) But we really clicked. He, me and my bestfriend. 

He wasnt part of my plan. After my heartbreak, all i wanted to do was, buy a house, enjoy my single life until my last breath. But he came. After a few month, he said he likes me. And I wasnt sure of what I felt at that time but I dont know, I just decided to give it a try. And he stays. Loving a unloveable girl was not easy. I always questioned everything he did. But he never once stepped back eventhough I was being so difiicult and I pushed him away for so so so many times. 

Today mark 1 year since we know each other. He have done so many things for me. I can say for sure now that I clearly fell in love with his kind heart, his selfless act, and many many more reasons that I could not express with words. 

Please Allah, let him be the 'wan' 

brainfarts

Assalamualaikum.

I remembered one day my dad told us, how his siblings used to be. they were very closed. well, of course they fight, and hate each other at times, love them at other. blood is thicker than water huh. but now, they did not talk to each other for a very long time. they fought (and still fight) about late grandparents inheritance. its a very loooooooong story and I only know one part of the story (my dad). I mean to be fair, I need to know whats on the other sides kan barulah boleh sembang.

So thing is, all of my siblings were grown up by now. my brother is 33, me myself 28, sisters at 23, and 22.

As we grow up, I could see that each one of us have our own thoughts and what we stand for. we have become somehow more selfish, more arrogant, more ignorant, more and more about 'ME' instead of 'US' . I have a lot of dissatisfaction towards them and I KNOW FOR SURE, that they have the same thoughts of me too.

And I can see, we might somehow ended up where my dad is. Not talking to each other anymore. But I pray with all of my heart, if anything happens, if we ever fight and stop talking to each other in the future, I hope that we will never fight over harta or money.

For the first time in forever, I could not wait to get married, to move away from the family. and that is not easy too. I'm struggling to save some money for the kenduri, but each month I dont have any choice but to take that money and pay for the necessities. And it left me with none.

at this age, I dont want any fancy weddings, just me, him, the families and some close friends. thats more than enough.

wow apeni merapunya. Because I have loads in mind. so I need to let it out. you know, girl with anxiety. and I know nobodys reading.

oklah need to go pooping.

hello yellow

Assalamualaikum.

That title, just because it ryhmes. hehe

I think I need to start writing again. I dont have any memories about what had happened in my life because I did not jot it down. So here I am, trying to make writing in this blog, a routine again.

I said 'I'll try" okay? not today. hehe bye

6/365

Assalamualaikum.


Sebab haritu aku tak edit pun post dan sums up keseluruhan tahun 2016 aku. biarlah aku mula dengan tahun baru. Sedikit ujian di awal tahun, Ojen. kucing yang aku bela dah 6 tahun, hilang kena curi. Satu keluarga meoroyan dua tiga hari. Masih bersedih sampai sekarang sebab sayang. Semoga yang ambil tu sayang dia sesayangnya kami pada dia.

New year resolutions. I really dont believe that shit tapi adalah sikit-sikit angan yang aku sempat pasang tahun ini. Semoga tahun ini, mampu hafal lebih banyak surah-surah pendek buat bacaan dalam sembahyang. Nak khatam Al-Quran 2 kali, lebihkan ibadah. lebihkan senyum. lebihkan sedekah. Bukan apa, aku rasa kita semua tak punya banyak masa untuk semua ni. Sekurang-kurangnya kalau 'dijemput' nanti adalah 'bekal' buat masa lapar.

Masih belum ada sinar nak berdua atau bertiga atau berberapa-berapa. haha. Semoga tahun ini dimurahkan rezeki kerja, rezeki nak berkhidmat untuk keluarga. Semoga ditetapkan hati dengan jodoh yang tepat. Yang akhir hendaknya. Semoga diteguhkan hati kami dengan rasa 'sayang' ini  kerana Tuhan.

Semoga insan-insan yang aku sayang semuanya dilimpahkan kurnia yang indah daripada Tuhan. Semoga yang menanti cahayamata, dikurniakan yang soleh-soleh semuanya. Yang menanti jodoh, dipercepatkan dan dipermudahkan urusan, yang mencari kerja, diberikan rezeki melimpah luah, yang mencari jalan menuju Tuhan, dibukakan jalan seluas-luasnya.

Semoga adik-adik aku cemerlang pelajaran, cemerlang kesihatan, cermerlang dan bertambah iman. semoga mama babah masih sihat tanpa sebarang sakit kronik.

Kalaupun ada ujian melanda, semoga dengan ujian itu, menambah iman dalam hati, meneguhkan diri dengan agama. menjadikan kita lebih kuat daripada sebelumnya.

Semoga, segala yang indah-indah ditakdirkan laluannya dalam hidup aku, dan mereka-mereka yang aku sayang.

Semoga kita sentiasa, bersyukur dengan nikmat Allah. Amin.



(boleh tahan serius juga aku sekarang, hehe)

366/366

Assalamualaikum. 

Its the last day of the year and I am sleepy i will edit this later i promise selamat tahun baru. Bye. 

Late night post

Assalamualaikum. 

Dulu. Aku nak yang dulu. Kembali pada suatu masa yang mana kerisauan aku hanyalah babah marah kalau balik lambat. Dulu. 

You see. Aku sedang di dalam fasa di mana aku mengalami depresi yang amat teruk. I am that close of seeing a doctor for the matter. Dan apa yang lagi merunsingkan. Dunia tak boleh tahu tentang ini. Alah. Aina yang chatterbox tu depression? Like who the hell would buy that. Kan? So. I masked it all up with a happy face. Dalam. Tuhan saja yang tahu. 

And to make things worse. Explaining to people (closed one) why were you having this 'penyakit' its like convincing them to believe; aku tak gila. Sakit sikit je. Luls. 

Ah moga malam ini masih bisa tidur tanpa bantuan (pil) 

Ciku

Assalamualaikum. 

If my cat could teach me anything in life (apart from ignoring people and eat a lot despite how fat you are) it is that no matter how much money you have you can never buy health and happiness. 

Ciku, I hope you can run now. Run and eat as much as you want. You can come and check on us if you misses us. Know this, you own special spot in my heart. I am sorry if i ever made you angry or feel unloved. 

I hope I can see you again. 

Sleep tight baby. 

Pre-ramadhan post.

Assalamualaikum. 

Ive been planning to write about many things. But I got lazy, I have no idea how to start, the internet connection sucks and blablablabla. 

Let me just sums up everything. Just for me to remember. 

I had a major operation ; removing ovarian cyst on last 28th April. That was the first time ever I've been warded in the hospital. Went through confinement like a boss. (Air halia+kunyit, pati ikan haruan +gamat and lots of slow walking in kain batik with my hair tied up,sexy I know)

Lost few kilos, stay at home for 21days seronok gilasss nyah! And back to mountains of workloads *cries*

Bought same colour but different pattern baju kurungs for everybody. Tetiba makma punya warna kelabu demmit instagram photo! So jalan penyelesaian, babah will wear gray baju Melayu with blue samping. Mama will wear gray baju kurung with blue tudung. And the three of us will wear blue baju kurung with gray scarf. Fuh settle. 

I swear I have so many things to tell just now sekarang tiba2 hilang. Yissss. 

Anyway, selamat berpuasa. Selamat menahan nafsu. Selamat mengumpul pahala. Semoga berat badan berkurang, dosa pun berganda2 berkurang. Insha-Allah. 

25th March 2016

Assalamualaikum.


It was a sunny Friday morning. I woke up for my Subuh prayer, get ready to go to work, only to realize, I left my bag (purse,money, house keys, and handphones are in it) at house. It was a tough decision whether or not I should go back and take them. Office to my house would take around 20 mins, I rode my motorcycle and it was getting pretty hot at that time. But I need money to eat, and to isi minyak. So with so much frustation, I head back home.

I dont feel good that day. Like something is terribly wrong. But I just keep it to myself and recite some prayer. I arrived at home, took my bag and leave to work again. I was really tired at that time. Once I entered my office, I sat down and switch on my computer. My phone rang, It was Cikha (my aunt), I pick up the call and she told me..

"Aina, Hafiz dah tak ada. Baru meninggal kejap tadi"

After Friday prayer, off we went to Kuala Selangor, to Hafiz's final resting. I wasn't that sad at the time. The night before, I went to HKL to see him. He was in comma, so we kinda know this thing would happen now or later. So I think I am strong. NOT

We arrived at surau IPD Kuala Selangor, there was Mak Lang (Hafiz's Mom). I saw her and I burst into tears.

We don't want him dead, but we don't want to see him suffer as well. seeing him with all sorts of tubes and medication stuck on his body, is not what anyone would want to see, really.

He is now in better place. He doesn't feel anymore pain. I will remember only the good in you Hafiz. I hope you rest in peace. I hope Allah swt grant mercy on your soul. Insha Allah

Hafiz, 20 March 1992-25 March 2016. Selamat berehat, Hafiz.

tentang mati

Assalamualaikum.

Wow this is totally awkward.

Bila bicara tentang pengakhiran pada sebuah kehidupan. Sejauh manalah kita boleh readykan diri? Siapa boleh tahu kalau hari ini akan jadi hari terakhir mereka minum kopi, makan nasi, lihat muka mak, main dengan kucing dan semua perkara kecil yang kita take for granted. Siapa tahu?

Kita beribadat setiap hari, penuh dengan doa semoga segala amal diterima. Semoga yang dekat dengan kita di ampunkan dosa, diberikan balasan syurga. Sejauh mana kita bersedia untuk setiap daripadanya di ambil tanpa sebarang tanda. tanpa sebarang warning signs. tanpa. apa. kata.

Hari ini, kita tengok kawan kita senyum. entah esok entah lusa, kita hanya dapat lihat sekujur badan terbaring kaku. menanti detik dikembalikan ke persemadian terakhir. atau, mungkin mereka yang lihat kita dalam keadaan begitu. Wallahu a'lam.

Di sini, kita kena renungkan kembali lafaz ;  

إِنَّا للهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ

Sesungguhnya kami adalah milik Allah, dan kepada-Nya lah kami kembali 

Semalam, salah seorang sahabat aku dapat perkhabaran drp kampung. Adik dia meninggal lemas di sungai bersama dengan dua orang sepupu yang lain. 

Aku harap dia kuat. 

eh sudahlah aku ni makin tak reti pulak menulis. till then, 

can-cer.

Assalamualaikum.


I don't plan on writing about this .. But, just in case things doesn't work out like what all of us wanted it to be, here's something nice that I would like to remember and never to forget.

It was Sunday afternoon, when my sisters and I decided to go and visit our cousin, Hafiz, who is diagnosed with prostate cancer stage four.

It has been so long since we ever talked to each other. tak adalah rapat mana dengan dia. But that day, we talked a lot. I joked around about many things. such as, I would come again with bucket of veggies because he need to watch his diet and no more fast food or unhealthy food.

he said "Akak makin cantik la sekarang, bila nak kahwin" he kept on saying the same thing over and over again. when it was time for me to leave. I told him I would come and visit him again. I asked him to be strong so that he can be my 'pengapit' when I get married.

On Tuesday, we received a call saying that he was seriously ill. I came. And there he was. Laying in his bed unable to say anything. He mustve so many things to say but he just couldnt.

I again told him to stay strong. I wanted him to be there on my wedding.

and now. He is still fighting the cancer cell. I only hope for the best. If its time for him to go, please make it easy for him O Allah. If he could stay, let him have all the strength in the world to fight his illness.

btw, Its Can-Cer. Can Survive. Jia You Hafiz!

Worth writing

Assalamualaikum.

I am now incharge for the new unit. Novel unit to be exact. So, today. I met one of the writers that I am working with. We've been contacting each other through sms(s) and call(s) (he did not have whatsapp so I dont really know how he looks like) but I have never really meet him in person. So today is the day. 

He is. Handsome. Not that-adam-levine-handsome but he is somehow goodlooking. His clothes are neat and tidy. Not to mention, he is very polite. The type of man that any girl would fall in love with. 

Because he came all the way from Penang to Kuala Lumpur to sign some shitty form, I think it is not appropriate to just send him home in empty-stomach. So we went out for coffee. Something interesting happened there. 

He told me about his fiancee (my heart broke into pieces. Come on man, you could've been mine hahahaha I kid I kid) He told me that they've been together since both of them were 13. And the interesting part for me was when he started describing his fiancee

'Dia bukan jenis moden pakai jeans pakai  selendang macam Aina. Dia gadis kampung yang betul-betul kampung. Dia pakai tudung selempang tepi, dan selalu pakai satu kerongsang bunga.'  

'Dia pun tak suka minum coffee macam ni Aina, kalau keluaq makan pun dia suka pi tempat yang boleh makan sampai kenyang. Macam nasi kandaq'

I mean come on, comel gila kot! Dia sedar tunang dia suka pakai apa dan all the small things. Ish

He laughed and then he continued saying this 

'Comel betul dia tu. Kecil molek je orangnya. Soulmate saya' 

There.

Ada lagi rupanya lelaki macam ni. God! 

He is very polite. We chatted around and then I send him to the station. 

Wow. I must say, I am really impressed by his well-being, by his manners and of course by his love that he have for his late-dad, late-brother ,his family and his fiancee. 

He is something that we could not really find nowadays. The perfect end for my 2015. 

I think. He is something that worth writing for. 

Erti 7Disember tahun ini.

Assalamualaikum. 

Hari ini aku belajar dan sedar faham satu perkara. You dont need to tell them how important you are. Kalau mereka sedar, appreciate them. Tapi kalau tidak, tak apa. Mungkin masa kau dah tak bernyawa nanti baru mereka akan cerita pasal kau. (Waktu itu pun kau tak akan peduli sebab kau lagi sibuk mengenang nasib kau bila disoal munkar nankir nanti) 

Kesimpulannya. Be happy. Do what makes you happy. Appreciate life and your loved ones. Walk away from people who hurt you, or even people who puts too much negative vibes in your life. You dont need that. 

Happy 26th birthday Aliaa Aaina. Terima kasih yang Maha Esa untuk pinjaman nyawa. Dan segala nikmat kurnia yang tidak terucap dengan kata kata. Alhamdulillah syukur Ya Allah. 

Midnight ramblings

Assalamualaikum.

I tried to sleep but I couldnt. Hence, this post. 

There's a burden inside my chest. It fills all of the area and I can't really breathe. Instead of hugging my pillow like what I used to do, I hug my blanket. Really tight. But the pain is still there. And it wanders through my veins and ended up in my brain. So its kinda stuck there replaying all the scenes. Scary scenes that my brain created just to ruin my life. 

They said people who sleeps with many pillows have problems with their self esteem. I have err 4 pillows and two teddy bears in my bed. So...

Yeah. 

Penamat

Assalamualaikum. 

Dua tahun bukan tempoh yang sekejap. Sedangkan kau jumpa orang dua minggu pun, bila berpisah kau akan rindu. Ini pulak dua tahun. Mula-mula rasa jelak jugak bila orang asyik pertikaikan kerja aku di meja aku. Kata kata macam, eh senang je kan duduk meja ni dan sepuluh juta bahan jenaka pasal benda yang sama. Memang buat aku muak. Tapi. Jujur kata. Meja ini yang ajar aku cara menulis. Cara mendekat. Cara menjauh. Cara goreng. Cara temubual orang. Dan macam macam lagi. Dan semua tu berakhir hari ini. 

Aku takkan lupa pengalaman pergi assignments naik motor. sesat larat menempuh jalan kl yang memang sangay asing bagi aku. Bila terlampau jauh, naik tren sebab masa tu baru kerja tak mampu nak pakai kereta. Pengalaman menangis sebab tak reti buat artikel. Kena edit lapan juta kali masih tak diterima. Pengalaman jumpa macam macam jenis orang. Daripada yang baik sampailah ke penipu besar. Pengalaman jumpa artis lama. Ya Allah. Sayangnya aku dekat majalah ni. Mastika is my comfort zone, and now maybe its time for me to walk out from it. 

Terima kasih Mastika untuk dua tahun yang macam macam ragam ini. Seriously, aku pasti aku akan rindu. 

Dan selamat datang tugas baru. Semoga aku mampu buat yang terbaik. 

Doakan aku!

Mhm

Tengah fikir nak private blog ini. Supaya dia jadi tempat aku rant sorang sorang. Tapi nanti cerpen nak pos kat mana? Adohai. 

Kryptonite

Assalamualaikum. 

Ada benda yang kadang kadang. Lagi elok pendam daripada luah. Kadanglah. Sebab kata kata ni boleh jadi lagi tajam daripada pisau sembelih lembu. Tajam yang tusuk jauh ke jurang paling dalam ceruk hati seseorang. Luka dalam ni bukan boleh nampak pun dah sembuh ke belum. Selalunya kulit luaran sahaja nampak macam tak ada apa. Tapi nun jauh di sana tu koyak rabak serupa kain buruk. 

Tapi tu kadanglah. Kadang tu cakap salah. Tak cakap pun salah. Tak luah makan diri. Luah karang entah apa pulak jadi. 

Entah. Cerita dekat Tuhan sajalah. DIA dengar dan sudah pasti 200% DIA peduli. Kan?  

Aku serius dah tak ada masa. Eh bukan. Tak ada daya nak layan benda remeh macam ni lagi. 

I know where I stand. Korang rilek jelah situ. K rilek je. 

ehems

Assalamualaikum.

Hai lama tak jumpa. sihat tak semuanya. *sapu sampah, lap sawang, bakar blog* K yang bakar blog tu tipu je.

I met an old friend few days before. lamalah tak jumpanya. almost 3, 4 years macam tu? we shared some stories, well actually he did. and I am amazed at how easy he can pour all the words to me. As if he has this one fine trust wall for me. I mean macam mana dia boleh yakin I wouldnt blog about it? hahaha I wont. dont worry.

And I tried to do the same, tapi rasa macam cerita tu tak berapa sampai pada dia. lololol. still bad at telling people my problems I guess. But not much things changed since last I saw him.

I am glad we can still talk about many things, from the stupid one sampailah yang paling serius sampai on my way back home, I cant help but think "OMG tuanya aku sekarang, cant believe we talked about that. 3 years back aku tak tahu pun apa semua tu. god god god. Tuanya aku" insecure women detected. hahaha

yes. I had fun. dont know about him but I did.

oh haah, hari ini birthday adik bongsu. dan esok puasa.

Salam Ramadhan. kenmain simple update kali ni.

Masa

'Hey you got some time?' Elly menekan laju kekunci keypad telefon bimbitnya. 

'Tettt...tettt..' Kedengaran beberapa kali bunyi daripada peranti pintar itu menandakan ada mesej yang diterima 

'Sorry beb, i tgh busy sikit ni, nanti free i text u'  tasha, kawan 'baik' daripada universiti. 

'Weyyy awat, aku dalam wayang ni sorry' mia, kawan sepermainan. 

'Aku nak kena present report esok ni weh, nantilah bila free aku call kau' zaim, kawan yang dianggap sebagai rakan lelaki paling rapat. 

Dan beberapa lagi jenis mesej yang lebih kurang sama bunyinya. Elly terbaring merenung siling. Telefon di tangan dilepaskan buar jatuh ke lantai

* * * * *  *

'Aku tak sangka dia ada masalah besar, sebab dia tak pernah cakap apa-apa pun'-tasha. 

'Teringat dulu dia tolong aku masa aku down kow2 hampir kena buang universiti'- mia

'Apa silap sampai dia sanggup cabut nyawa sendiri. Kalau ada masalah kan masih boleh cerita dengan aku' - zaim. 

Dan begitulah becok mulut bercerita tentang betapa mereka 'mampu' tolong kalau si Elly membuka mulut. 

Cehh. Dunia.